20 years is a long time.
Think back to what you were doing 20 years ago. Some of you reading this were not even born yet. Others can remember 20 years ago like it was 20 minutes ago.
For us, we were getting married 20 years ago today.
Yes, all the way back to the 1990’s. December 18th, 1999 was the day that we walked the aisle in a small church in Ulysses, Kansas. We said “I do” as two young kids; one just a year out of high school and the other barely out of college.
We drove off in our decorated Chevy Blazer and headed south to Amarillo, Texas to fly out the next morning to Cancun, Mexico for our honeymoon.
Our whole lives were ahead of us and we were ready to take on the world.
However, the honeymoon period ended and our desire to love each other quickly faded within a few years.
You don’t know what you don’t know.
We’ve thought back to December 17th, 1999 many times over the past few years. We have talked about what would have happened if someone would have told us the day before our wedding that we would experience extreme pain and heartache for much of the first seven years of our marriage.
Not just minor issues but heart shattering issues.
Things like endless drunken nights that ended with fights and tears.
Or what about a six-month struggle of unemployment that caused continuous turmoil and financial conflict?
The stress of work travel that formed a wedge of bitterness and anger between our relationship.
The lack of boundaries around extended family that brought forth a lack of self-worth, energy and attention.
The words, “I don’t love you. I don’t want to be married to you. I want out,” said in a moment of desperation and panic.
An affair with another woman.
Heart shattering issues.
If we would have been given this list on December 17th, 1999, we both would have looked at each other, agreed that it wouldn’t be worth it, and run as fast and we could in opposite directions, never to lay eyes on each other again.
But we didn’t know what we didn’t know.
We thought that love would be enough.
It wouldn’t be.
Love wouldn’t enough to fight off the feelings of growing apart or falling out of love. Love wouldn’t be enough to stop the thoughts of being happier with someone else. Love wouldn’t be enough to not feel like we were trapped in a bad dream but without the ability to wake up and make it all go away.
However, we wouldn’t trade a thing.
We would go through all of the pain and all of the anguish again to get where we are today.
We had to experience complete brokenness to understand what it means to be completely restored. When we had nothing left, we gained everything by surrendering our marriage to Jesus.
Jesus said these words in Luke 9:23-25 to his disciples.
23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 25 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”
Friends, we gained more than we ever could have imagined when we surrendered our marriage to Jesus during the most difficult of circumstances. Trust had been broken. An affair took place. Divorce was the only logical solution but Jesus had other plans for our relationship. He has a way of providing illogical solutions.
Last week while celebrating our 20-year anniversary in Hawaii, we were overwhelmed with joy. There was a specific moment that brought tears to our eyes. Sure, we had the postcard worthy sunsets and the kisses on the beach.
Those were great moments, but it was something much simpler but even more beautiful.
It was snorkeling with our two children, Addyson and Cayson.
As we swam shoulder to shoulder, the four of us next to each other, mesmerized by what we were looking at, it hit us both.
None of this makes any sense at all. This moment should not have even been a moment according to the ways of the world.
Without grace and forgiveness, we never would have recovered from the affair.
Without grace and forgiveness, we never would have survived the 10-year alcohol addiction.
Without grace and forgiveness, we never would have learned what it meant to trust each other again.
Our marriage made it because we realized we couldn’t do it on our own anymore. We desperately needed Jesus to come in and rescue us.
Some of you are desperately needing the same thing.
Over the past 4 years of our ministry, people have asked us these questions.
Why do you do what you do?
Why do you continue to relive your story?
Doesn’t it hurt to constantly share your deepest struggles and pain with others?
We do this because Jesus rescued us from our pit of despair to throw a lifeline to someone else to experience the same healing that we have. Our desire is to see marriages thrive the way that God intended marriages to thrive.
Too often, husbands and wives are just going through the motions of marriage, not fully experiencing what God designed marriage to be. We’ve experienced the key to having a Christ-centered marriage and how to sustain a Christ-centered marriage.
Now it is our passion and life calling to share with other marriages so they can experience that exact same freedom. When we walk through the darkness with another couple and watch them see light again, it confirms that it the pain was worth it.
It begins with surrender.
You must surrender your life individually before you can surrender your marriage. Both the husband and wife must have their own faith journey with Jesus before your marriage can have a faith journey. For us, Bryan had to surrender his life to Jesus and Shayla had to repurpose her life to Jesus. We had to become followers of Jesus individually before we could follow Jesus as a couple.
Once you have surrendered your marriage, you must surround yourself with other Christ-centered marriages to learn from and to encourage each other.
This begins with getting involved with a Bible teaching and Jesus focused church. Your faith community must be a pillar for you to lean against. When our marriage was restored, we had to find a new community of friends who would love us through the healing process and encourage us.
We needed people to believe in us and so do you.
Having a marriage of surrender goes back to the passage in Luke. In order to have a marriage that follows Jesus, you must pick up your cross daily. Being a follower of Jesus is a lifestyle, not a once a week occurrence. It’s a daily decision to saturate everything in your life with the gospel of Jesus. This includes consistent time in God’s word reading scripture, daily prayer together as a couple and transparent conversations about your faith journey. This includes both the victories and the struggles. Your faith is strengthened when discussing it with your spouse.
Surrender your marriage to Jesus.
Surround your marriage with Jesus.
Surrender and surround.
This is the key to having the marriage that God intended for you to have.
We hope that our day of celebration encourages you or someone you know.
Thank you for celebrating with us today.
We believe in you.
Much love,
Bryan + Shayla
JESUS TOOK WHAT THE ENEMY MEANT FOR EVIL AND TURNED IT FOR GOOD. WE ARE LIVING IN THE VICTORY.
About Bryan & Shayla
Husband & Wife for 20 years. Best friends. Hope Givers. Jesus Followers. Our purpose is to share hope with the world through authentic conversation. Anguished Hearts exists to lead broken people into a powerful relationship with Jesus. Our desire is to see others experience the same freedom that we have experienced.
STAY CONNECTED WITH US!
Elevation Worship: See a Victory
The weapon may be formed but it won’t prosper
When the darkness falls it won’t prevail
Cause the God I serve knows only how to triumph
My God will never fail
I’m gonna see a victory
For the battle belongs to You Lord
There’s power in the mighty name of Jesus
Every war He wages He will win
I’m not backing down from any giant
I know how this story ends
You take what the enemy meant for evil
And You turn it for good
You turn it for good